MH Look, look, all I wanna know is one thing.
TP: yup?
MH: How come you get the camera and I don’t, right?
Tp: It’s because I’m the director, ain’t I.
MH: How come I have to do all the talking?
TP: I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough.
MH: I’ve had enough! I am going back to that spaceship, right? You stay here if you want, I don’t care, right.
TP. I’m going back to that spaceship, I’ve had enough of this. I’ve had enough, I’ve had enough. (Hands camera back to cameraman) …. Blimey it’s weird here. This is weird.
MH: You’re rubbish on that camera! You’re absolute rubbish on that camera.
TP: Oi! You can’t say that!
MH: Shall I tell you why?
TP: Why?
MH: Because the next videoclip is called –
TP: Dodgy link!
MH: what a terrible cue. (Looks in monitor and smooths his hair) blimey, who’s
that, Clark Gable?
(Video plays)
TP: Blimey it’s a bid odd in here innit? I mean I thought all that camera stuff was very funny, but after a while it got, you know, it got –
MH: A bit tedious
TP: It got a bit weird, a bit structuralist.
MH: What I think is, it got a bit tedious, but even more than that, you know, I think people out there wanna hear me speak, so if I could just get another couple of words in…as I was saying earlier, there are two types of actors, there are good actors and there are great actors, but there are also two types of men, there are men that like girls and there are men that like other men, and this is my way of introducing the next clip which is by a band called – (TP waves his hand in front of the camera, MH laughs)
TP: okay, cut! Cut! Cut it!
MH: -Queen, and it’s called it’s a hard life. Bit dubious.
(Video plays)
MH: oh blimey.
TP: More space cola? More Space cola?
MH: (makes noise of phone ringing)
TP: Who’s that then?
MH: we’re at the dodgy part of the show. This is where we have to start relying on props.
TP: Who’s that?
MH (answering phone) ‘Allo? (Hands phone to TP) Freddie.
TP: (whispers) oh fuck. What shall I say?
MH: Tell ‘im he looked fabulous.
TP: (talking into phone) no, honestly you were great, no, honestly. … Well, it was nothing to do with me. No? Yeah of course you can, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he is beautiful. Here he is. (Hands phone back to MH)
MH: (talking into phone) Hello, Freddie? Yeah, you looked great, man. You looked fabulous, the outfit was stunning. Yeah, yeah. Okay then. Bout half past seven, allright?
TP: (to camera) he’ll see that I never work in this town again.
MH: (still talking into phone) see ya Fred. Bye.
TP: see ya Freddie. See ya everyone, see ya Paul, see ya Mark, see ya everyone. It was a beautiful show, tho. It was beautiful, it was worth it all.
MH: I tell you what, this show’s going so downhill now , right, it’s unbelievable the depths were sinking to here.
TP: yeah, I think so.
MH: About 5 minutes ago, I think it was just before that last video we had a –
TP: The funny thing is, the best bits are when the cameras aren’t going, aren’t they? Coz they’re a bit more passionate, shall we say?
MH: You say what you like! Just leave me out of it, right?
TP: You know what, I mean, they are a bit more romantic. He is (points at MH) let’s face it, very attractive.
MH: (picks up phone) Make it 8 o’clock, Freddie. (Replaces receiver, TP laughs) dodgy jokes going all round here. Dodgy jokes all over the shop.
TP: okay I think let’s get into the next link I think, before there’s any more. What’s the next one? It’s the cure!
MH: No no, I’ve got a link for it!
TP: yeah?
MH: Don’t just blow it! Now it’s the the cure, I’ve got a link for it.
TP: I’m the straight man, I’m the straight man. He’s the bent man.
MH: I caught a disease last week.
TP: Oh yeah? Who from?
MH: Wrong answer. I said, I caught a disease last week. (Behind his hand, prompting) How’d you get rid of it?
TP: How’d you get rid of it?
MH: With The Cure
TP: (screeches with fake laughter )
(Video plays)
TP: I have always actually seen myself as a bit of a songsmith, not actually a Robert smith, but more of a song smith
MH: oh god!
TP: and I would now like to sing you a new irritating song right, I’d like to sing you a couple of irritating songs, and the first one goes like this:
(Sings)
‘Wheel within a wheel, ever spinning round and round’
That’s like one of my favourite ones, right? But there are many others, right? Now, there’s this one:
(Sings)
‘I’m king of the road, dom dom dom…’
Now, there are many films that I would have liked to have made promos of – I won’t be working with Queen anymore , I won’t be working with The Style Council either, obviously I won’t be working with any of those people anymore, you know, I’ve gotta, like, look for people like
(Sings)
‘You say this guy, this guys in love with you do do do do you say this guy who looks at me the way you do when you smile I…’
… well, you know, that’s allright, anyway. But what I’d like to do is look at some more really old stuff now, and this is like, a really old one, one that I’m very fond of and it’s actually a song called Tree and it goes something like this: (I want to be a tree plays, TP sings along and dances) Hey, it’s weird I feel even more like a tree here in space. (To MH) Excuse me, you do have your image to think of, unlike me (end credits roll as TP continues to dance and sing with MH laughing off camera) back to the film, back to the film, it’s a beautiful film, oh god this is really…space, the final frontier, to boldly go where every man has been before . It’s beautiful. I’m just filling here, I’m filling, excuse me…Space cola? More space cola?
MH: How are you, allright?
(The End)